After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
