If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
