On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
