Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
