I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
