btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
