If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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