I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.