So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
