In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
