I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
