You're my little dorito
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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