As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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