I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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