Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
