It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
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Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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