Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
