I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
