I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
