We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
