just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
