can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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