i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
