we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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