i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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