Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
