I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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