he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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