Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
