When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
