I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
