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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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