Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
