I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
