when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
