I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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