i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
