My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
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