At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
