So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
