worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
