if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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