He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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