Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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