What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
