You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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