I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
