Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
