I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
