it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
