and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
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Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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