Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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