i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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