I will die if light touches me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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