chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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