and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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