It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
